Left Magna, went to Croydon College, did some A’levels badly and was contemplating the life of the academic when aliens abducted me. Young man, in his prime of life, snatched from the bosom of his mother planet. Spent several years bent over a steel bench having my orifices probed. They laughed at my genitals, but this is something I have grown used to. My somewhat alarmed captors released me when they discovered that I was trying to clone myself in an early attempt to create a boy band. After a quick trial concerning crimes against humanity, they dumped me unceremoniously in a dilapidated shack on a geothermal reserve somewhere on the Kamchatka peninsula in southeastern Russia. It was a long cold winter; the wind whistled on through the night (and other welsh hymns). The following spring, I fashioned a rudimentary bicycle from pyroclastic basalt, with a chain made from my teeth, and cycled to China where I joined the Buddhists, then the Zoroastrians, the Masons, Take That (well, I was still smarting, you know) and finally became a pleonastic sesquipedalian with added prolocution on Thursdays. Swam to America where I joined an Amish community (I still have the beard) for a few months, and started a thriving tobacco corporation. I lost it in a game of “pin the tail on the bearded twat”. Briefly joined the Westborough Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas. Got kicked out because apparently “God hates fags”. Tried selling my life story to Steven Spielberg; he laughed at me, then had me deported. And he was a fellow bearded twat!